I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
