I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
