Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
