just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
