I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid