You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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