he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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