How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
