he wants to bone in the snuggie
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
