i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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