I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This can only be settled by a dance off.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
