My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
