First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
