I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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