my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
