i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
