I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
