Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
