Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
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you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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