My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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