I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
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I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.