I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish