Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
