sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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