I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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