WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
