A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
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I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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