Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
