it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He better not be in your backpack
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Randomize
