You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
