i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
