You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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