Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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