i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Actions speak louder than pants.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
