recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
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I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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