She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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