Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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