I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
