Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
