how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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