I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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