he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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