I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
