Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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