Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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