'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
