Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
