He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
