i was born a porn star she said
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
