I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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