Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
