you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
